Ladies & Gentlemen, The President of the United States:
"Good evening.
I won. Blame George Bush. Republicans are evil. I'm Santa Claus.
I'm a great unifier. I'll focus like a laser spending trillions more tax dollars for jobs, education, and infrastructure that will never materialize. (shout out to my union cronies!) And green technology. Like wind farms. But NIMBY. 500 billion more dollars.
I'm also a great leader. From behind. But pay no attention to republican obsession about dead Americans in Libya or those who died fast & furiously in Mexico. (shout out to sister Candy Crowley!) Ahem.
Guantanamo is still open, but our military will be neutered, so help me... uh, me.
In addition, I'll give you free stuff. Like healthcare. And make evil rich people like Mitt Romney pay for it. Except when this shell game sticks you with the bill. And I'll never demand a federal budget be ratified as mandated by some unelected 18th century document! Rasberry to SCOTUS.
We must continue with the failed policies of the present and not return to whatever worked in the past. And during the next 4 years, my perpetual demagogic campaign will work even harder on manufactured crises in which to blame the Republicans, who hate women, Blacks, the poor, - and me, - most of all. And I'll get their FOX News, too!
In conclusion, I'm a great unifier, and if I'd been in power the previous 4 years, things would be better. Because Republicans are racists. Thank you."
